


Trash Talking With Tico

by Semperfidani



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Armitage Hux is a Jerk, Ben Solo is a good dad, Ben loves Rey, Best Friend Finn, Chairs go flying, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Hannah is searching for her daddy, Jelous!Kylo, Kaz is a bodygaurd, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Leia's had enough too, Neeku is a Music Director, Neeku likes Madonna, Neeku plays innapropriate music, Phasma has nine lives, Poe is a playboy, Poe's always looking for snatch, Poor Dopheld Mitaka, Post-Canon, Rey (Star Wars) is a Mess, Rey and Kylo bang, Rose Tico is Maury, Soft!Ben, Star Wars Talk Show, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Star Wars Maury Episode, They can't deny their family, Torra is a Director, Unrequited Love, Who's the daddy, ben solo redemption, canonverse, rey loves ben
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-11-13 12:11:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18031502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semperfidani/pseuds/Semperfidani
Summary: This is the trashy Star Wars daytime talk show you didn't know you wanted. Who's the daddy?





	1. Dear Daddy.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kahli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kahli/gifts).



> This is dedicated to my new friend Kahli for making me laugh with her amazing fic, Just a Scratch, just when I needed a laugh the most.

  

 

 

> **Torra Doza (Director): “** We are ready in 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 and cue music!”
> 
> **Neeku Vozo (Music Director):** “Cue music.” 
> 
> _Who’s that girl walking down the street, with a mic in her hand and some asses to beat? It’s Rose Tico!_ _  
> _
> 
> _Who’s that girl digging deep in your shit, to pull out the truth, and make bad guys spit? It’s Rose Tico!_
> 
> _We put our trust in Rose, and she wants us to know, that she’s got your back, wherever you go! It’s Rose! It’s Rose! It’s Rose Tico!_
> 
> **Torra:** “Camera to the door. And enter, Rose!”
> 
> **_Audience:_ ** _Woooooo! Whomp! Whomp! Whomp!_

**Rose Tico (Host):** “Hey everyone! And to our audience watching on the holovids! Thank you! Thank you! Now sit your asses down, because we’ve got a full show today and we are going to need every minute of it!” 

> **_Audience:_ ** _Wooooo._

**Rose:** “Okay! Today we have a _very_ special guest. Someone particularly close to my heart. And she will be accompanied by someone you all know!  Without further adieu, let’s give a warm welcome to my goddaughter, 6 year old Hannah Organa-Solo, accompanied by General Leia Organa-Solo!” 

> **_Audience:_** (Loses their shit, stands up and cheers wildly) _. “Hannah! Leia! Hannah! Leia!”_
> 
> **Torra:** “Enter guests, camera to stage right. Cue music”  
>    
>  **Neeku:** “Cue music.”
> 
> _Quien es esa nina, who's that girl? Senorita, mas fina, who's that girl?_
> 
> _Quien es esa nina, who's that girl? Senorita, mas fina, who's that girl?_ _  
> _
> 
> **Torra:** “Madonna? Really Neeku?”
> 
> **Neeku:** “But you said the girl is a mystery? Did I not understand?”
> 
> **Torra:** “Nevermind. Okay Rose, and go!”

**Rose:** “Hey kiddo.”  
  
**Hannah:** “Hi Auntie Rose!”.

Hannah bounces excitedly in her seat, her dark brown curly hair bouncing, tied up in a red bow.

> **_Audience:_ ** _Awwwwwww!_

**Rose:** “Now Hannah. Do you want to tell the audience why you are here?

> **Torra:** “Camera, zoom in on her face.”

**Hannah:** “Sure Auntie Rose!  I want to find my daddy.”

> **_Audience:_ ** _Oooooooooh!_

**Rose:** “What do you mean, Hannah?”  
  
**Hannah:** “I don’t have a daddy, Auntie Rose. I just have mommy and grandma Leia and uncle Chewie. But there is a daddy/daughter dance at school and everyone else is bringing their daddy and I feel sad because I can’t go.”

Hannah’s brown eyes well up, her plush lip falls into a pout. Leia reaches out to pull her into a side hug.

> **_Audience_ ** _: Awwwwww!_

**Rose:** “Tell the audience what you did to solve this problem, Hannah.”  
  
**Hannah:** “Well I talked to grandma Leia, and she said she would help me find my daddy.”  
  
Leia nods her head, her salt and pepper hair wrapped up in an Alderaanian braid around her hair in a crown.  
  
**Hannah:** “So I had grandma contacted you so we can be on your show. And then grandma helped me write some letters because my spelling isn’t that good. And then grandma sent the letters to some boys that grandma said that mommy hung out with when the Resistance and Force Order had a party to celebrate an armi-....armi-... what’s the word Grandma?”

Hannah turns to Leia.

> **Torra:** “Camera, cut to Leia.”

**Leia:** “Armistice, my darling. Which means an agreement to end a battle, or a truce.”

> **_Audience:_** (Stands up and cheers) _. Whomp! Whomp! Whomp! Leia! Leia! Leia!_

**Rose:** “And what did those letters say, Hannah banana?”  
  
**Hannah:** “Can I read one here? Grandma helped me spell it but it’s my words.”  
  
**Rose:** “Absolutely!”  
  
Leia reaches into the purse to hand Hannah a copy of the letter.

> **Torra:** “Camera, cut to Hannah. Show letter on split screen.”

**Hannah:** “Dear Daddy. My name is Hannah Organa-Solo. I am six years old. My mommy is Rey Organa-Solo but she was just Rey when you knew her. Grandma Leia takes care of us and gave us a last name so that I can have a last name too! Grandma says that you might have known mommy very well when I wasn’t born yet. I do not know if you are my daddy, but if you are my daddy, can you come to the daddy/daughter dance with me? Auntie Rose says that if you want to meet me, you can come to her TV show and we can find out if you are my daddy. I’ve always wanted a daddy and I promise I am good and no trouble and I promise that I will love you. I like to play airplane and have tea parties with uncle Chewie, and reading, and calligraphy (but I’m not very good at it).     
  
Love, Hannah Organa-Solo.  
  
P.S. Mommy doesn’t know I am writing to you.  
  
P.P.S. Here is a picture of me. Mommy tells me I look like my daddy. I hope you recognize me. 

>     
>  **_Audience_** : _Awwwwww!_

**Rose:** Thank you Hannah!  General Leia, do you have anything to add?  
  
**Leia: “** I put my trust and hope that the father does the right thing. We all deserve to love and be unconditionally loved in return, including...especially...the father of Hannah. Hannah is a blessing to all of us all.”  
  
**Rose:** “Do you know who the father is?”

> **Torra:** “Camera, zoom to Leia’s face.”

Leia pauses, and  looks down at Hannah, who gazes up inquisitively. Her heart stirs at the familiarity of the brown eyes staring back to her, and for a fleeting moment, memories of reading a story to her son enters her mind. She quickly pushes that thought aside.

 **Leia:** “I am going to refrain from answering for the time being. I trust the Force will guide us in this process.”  
  
**Rose:** “I respect that.” She turns to the audience. “But first, let’s bring out Rey. She was in the green room, listening to music right now. She thinks she’s coming out to talk about her memories of the Armistice. She doesn’t know that soon, she will be facing men from her past. So without further ado, let’s give it up for Rey!”

> **Torra:** “Enter Rey, camera to stage right. Cue music.”  
>    
>  **Neeku:** “Cue music.”
> 
> _Promiscuous girl, wherever you are. I'm all alone and it's you that I want._
> 
> _Promiscuous boy, you already know. That I'm all yours, what you waiting for?_
> 
> _Promiscuous girl, you're teasing me. You know what I want, and I got what you need._
> 
> _Promiscuous boy, let's get to the point. 'Cause we're on a roll, you ready?_
> 
>   **Torra:** “Way to be subtle there, Neeku. Nelly Furtado? Really?”
> 
>   **Neeku:** “Hehe.”  
>    
>  **Torra:** “Sigh. Neeku, I’m going to be checking your playlists in the future. Okay Rose, go!”

**Rose:** “Hello Rey! How are you doing today.”

Rey reaches for the water on the side-table, sipping nervously. She tries to make eye contact with Hannah, wondering why Hannah is avoiding looking back at her.

 **Rey:** “Umm. Fine? I think? I thought I was, but I wasn’t expecting to see Hannah here. What’s going on?”  
  
**Rose:** “You think you are here for a talk about your memories of the Armistice. Well sort of. But what you don’t know is that we are going to talk about a specific moment around that time. But we have a special video for you. If you will look to the screen on your left.”

> **Torra:** “Cue video montage.”
> 
> _“Hi!” Hannah’s face appears on the video. “I’m Hannah Organa-Solo. And I’m here to find my daddy.”_

Rey gasps, raising her hand to cover her mouth. 

> _“When my mommy was young, she went to a party. My grandma says that my daddy helped make me. I want to have a daddy. And I want to go to the daughter/daddy dance with him. Auntie Rose, can you help me find him?”_

Rey groans, covering her face with her hands.

>   
>  _“My name is General Leia Organa-Solo. Rey, I know you are mad at me and I am sorry I had to resort to this matter in such a public way. But you know you can’t run away forever from this issue. We can no longer deny Hannah the truth that is her family.”_

Rey lifts her head to stare at Leia, who gazes back unflinchingly. Rey bows her head in submission. 

 **Rose:** And now let’s introduce the men who have agreed to participate.

>   
>  **_Audience:_** _Oooooooh!_
> 
> **Torra:** “Cue video montage.”
> 
> **_Mitaka Dopheld, Former Lieutenant of the F.O.:_ ** _“Hi.”_ (He visibly gulps.) _“I met Rey at the party for the first time.”_ (He clears his throat.) _“I first approached Rey at the party because I was curious to meet the girl that, quite frankly, caused me a lot of grief and personal torture. I wanted to see what the fuss was about. I may have had too much to drink, and the next thing I knew, I woke up passed out on the floor with a black eye.That night has tortured me for a long time, thinking I may have acted inappropriately. Although I don’t think I’m Hannah’s father, we both have dark hair. I am willing to take the paternity test to prove it. Hannah, if I am your father, I promise to support you, even if I don’t have much. Rey, if I did what I think I did, I’m sorry. I’m not like that. It was the whiskey.”_

Rey stares passively at the screen. Hannah furrows her brow inquisitively.

>    
>  **_Armitage Hux, Former General of the F.O._ ** _: “Let’s just cut the pleasantries. I’m 99%  sure I’m not the father to the child of the Scavenger scum’._ (He sneers.) _“But, I was in a pretty dark place that night, with my ambitions and the love of my life, Phasma, reduced to a trash heap. I recall the sand rat being nice to me, holding my hair as I puked in the fresher. She likely saved my life. I usually show my appreciation two ways, and one of them is sexually. So I’m not 100% certain of my convictions that I didn’t tap that ass.” “Hannah, if I’m your daddy, rest assured that I will have nothing to do with your life. You seem sweet, which is surprising giving who your mother is. But I’m a mess with serious daddy-issues of my own. I’ll send support payments, and I’ll hire someone to dance with you.”_
> 
> **_Audience:_ ** _Booooo!_

Rey glares at the screen, her daughter mirroring her expression.

> **_Poe Dameron, Former Commander of the Resistance:_ ** _“Hey! You all know me, acclaimed Resistance pilot and hero of the war!”_ (He lifts his aviator glasses to nest on his hair, and flashes the camera a cocky smile.) _“Honestly, that night was a bit of a blur. I had my share of the ladies, if you know what I mean. And even some of the men! It’s possible that Rey and I did the thing.”_ (He does an obscene hand gesture.) _“Hannah banana, if I’m your daddy, you bet I’ll be at your dance. Do you have any hot teachers? Is your mom still single? As your weekend daddy, you and I will have so much fun. I’ll take you flying, and to all the fun amusement parks and beaches.”_

Rey chews on her cheeks to hide a covert grin. Hannah smiles widely at the promise of amusement parks. Leia rolls her eyes.

> **_Kylo Ren, Former Supreme Leader of the F.O., Former Jedi, Current Senator of the New Galactic Empire:_ ** (Prolonged silence, stares intently at the camera with his brown eyes, his dark hair perfectly coiffed, his lush lips pursed in contemplative silence) _. “I will be there. It’s time to settle this, once and for all. Hannah, I…. “_ (the tape cuts off, screen goes to black).  
>    
>  **Torra:** “Rose, we are having technical difficulties with the tape.”

**Rose:** “Well it appears we having technical difficulties. But Kylo Ren will be here and we’ll get our answers soon.”

> **_Audience_ ** _: Ooooooh._

Rey stares at the black screen, biting her lip, nervously fiddling with her hands. Hannah’s face is furrowed in contemplative silence, her held tilted just so. Leia sits serenely, reaching out for Hannah’s small hand.  
  
**Rose:** “Coming up next, we meet the daddy’s!”

> **_Audience:_ ** _Wooooo! Ooooooh! Yahhhh!_
> 
> **Torra:** “Cue music. Fade to break.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue music.”  
>    
>  _Papa I know you're going to be upset. 'Cause I was always your little girl._
> 
> _But you should know by now, I'm not a baby_.
> 
> **Torra:** “Again with the Madonna”  
>    
>  **Neeku:** “I like the Madonna.”  
>    
>  **Torra:** “You think? Okay, cut to break.”


	2. Kaz Earns His Pay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old friend stops by for support, some secrets are revealed, we meet the daddy's, and things get out of hand. 
> 
> A.K.A. Chairs and fists go flying, and Kaz earns his pay.

> **Torra** : “We’re back. Cue camera. Cue music.”
> 
> **Neeku** : “Cue music.”
> 
> _ Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight. Won’t somebody chase the shadows away? _
> 
> _ Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight. Take me through the darkness to the break of the day. _ __   
>  __   
>  **Torra:** “I can’t even with you right now, Neeku. And go, Rose!”   
>    
> 

**Rose:** “And we’re back! Rey, do you have anything to say about this?”

**Rey:** “No. I’d rather not do this.”

**Rose:** “Do  _ you  _ know who the father is?”

Uncomfortable silence descends in the studio. Rey doesn’t answer. She picks at invisible lint on her sweater. 

> **Torra:** “Rose, let’s move to our next guest.”

**Rose:** Moving on. Before we introduce the daddy’s, I have a special guest. He’s not only my husband, but he’s Hannah’s godfather, and Rey’s best friend. He was there that night as her wing man, so let’s see what he has to say! Give it up for Finn Storm, everyone!”

> **Audience:** Woooo!

Finn swaggers in, waving to the crowd. Hannah gets up and runs into his arms. He lifts her up and tosses her in the air, before catching her into a hug. 

> **Audience:** Ahhhhh!

**Finn:** “Hey there Hannah! How’s my favourite girl?”   


**Hannah:** “Good uncle Finn! I’m going to find my daddy today.”   
  
**Finn:** “That’s great, Hannah.”   
  
Finn flashes Rey a knowing look. They seem to communicate in a private language among themselves. Rey’s eyes look somewhat frantic, and Finn looks very concerned.    
  
**Rose:** “So Finn, as you know, I was away sick that night. So why don’t you share your version of what happened that night?”   
  
**Finn:** “Well...um...there’s nothing to share really. We went to Maz’s looking to get blitzed, and blitzed we did. And ..ummm...that’s it, really.”   
  
**Rose:** “Babe, level with me here. Let’s start at the beginning. How did you get to Takodana?”   
  
**Finn:** “Well, it’s been just about seven years, so my memory is shaky. We flew to Takodana on the Falcon. We went to Maz’s shortly after. I remember walking in and there were former storm troopers I hadn’t seen since I defected who I wanted to catch up with. Rey and I had a pact to stick together. The next thing I know, I turned around and she was gone.”   
  
**Rose:** “Do you know where she went?”   
  
**Finn:** “Well...no. Like I said, I got pretty shit-faced pretty damn quickly. The Corellian whiskey was flying.”   
****

> **Audience:** (laughs).    
> 

**Rose:** “Okay. Now do you recall ever seeing Mitaka, Hux, Poe or Kylo?”   
  
**Finn:** “My only memory of Mitaka was stumbling upon him as he was sprawled on the floor outside the fresher, sporting a bruise on his eye. I recall seeing Hux come out of the bathroom but he looked pretty rough, as if his cat died or something.”   


> **Torra:** “Camera, zoom in on his face.”   
> 

**Rose:** “And what about Kylo Ren?”   
  
Finn pauses, lost in thought.    
  
**Finn:** “Well to be honest, and I’ve held this secret for a while...but...”   
  
**Rey:** “Finn, no….”   
  
**Finn:** “Let me finish. But the truth is… Kylo Ren definitely was not there.”

> **Audience:** (Erupts in shouts).

**Rose:** “Wait a minute. He replied to the letter. Both Mitaka and Hux, in pre-show interviews, claim he was there. But you are telling me you didn’t see him at all?”   
  
**Finn:** “No. Kylo Ren definitely wasn’t there.”   
  
Hannah’s face falls. Leia pulls her into a side-hug. 

> **Torra:** “Camera to audience.”
> 
> **Audience:** (Some are standing. One person has their mouth dropped in shock. The third head of a three-headed alien explodes.)

**Rose:** “So what you are saying is that the former Supreme Leader is lying to me? To this adorable little girl?” 

> **Torra:** “Camera zoom to Hannah.”

Hannah sits stoically, her face neutral. Rey continues to pick at the invisible lint. Leia looks like she needs a drink. 

**Finn:** “Well n —“

Rose cuts off Finn.

**Rose:** “What about Poe? I mean, he has the curly hair, and he likes flying. Can I surmise that he may, in fact, be the daddy?”

**Finn:** “I mean maybe. But… I have a confession to make. Don’t be mad.”

**Rey:** “Finn…”

**Rose:** “I won’t be mad. What is this confession about?” 

**Finn:** “I...I… mighthavemadeoutwithPoe.”

> **Audience:** (Loses their minds. The second head of the three-headed alien explodes.)  _ Oh hell yah! Boy, you in trouble now! Whoa! _

Rose glares at him. 

**Rose:** “What did you say? Did you just confess to cheating on me with Poe?”

**Finn:** “Ahhh...are we really going to call that cheating? It was just an experimental phase.” 

**Rose:** “You cheated on me, you lousy piece of bantha **[CENSOR BEEP]**!” 

Rose leaps from her chair.

Kaz rushes from the front row and inserts himself between Rose before she can land a punch on Finn.

> **Audience:** _ Kaz! Kaz! Kaz! _

**Leia:** “Maker, save me. Can someone bring me a martini.”

> **Torra:** “We are going to break! Someone cue the canned announcer. Someone get Rose under control. And someone get General Organa a drink! Cue break! Cue music.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue music.”
> 
> _ Hit me with your best shot… _
> 
> **Torra:** “Neeku!”

The show fades with the image of Rose and Finn arguing, arms waving in the air.

> **Narrator:** “We’ll be right back! And now a word from our sponsors.”

* * *

**Commercial 1:** _ “Hey boys and girls. It’s Bluey the Cow, reminding you to drink 3 glasses of blue milk a day to keep your bones strong! It’s the favourite drink of the legendary Luke Skywalker. Don’t you want to be like Luke? Blue milk is the number one favourite brand of milk in four galaxy systems!” _

**Commercial 2:** _ “Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!  At Snap’s Hover Vehicles, we have a wide array of new and gently used hovercrafts! All trades will be considered and credit is guaranteed! Supply is limited, so get to Snap’s Hover Vehicles today! Hurry! _

* * *

> **Torra:** “We’re back. Cue camera. Cue music.
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue music.”
> 
> _ Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof! _
> 
> **Torra:** “Neeekkkkkuuuu!  And go, Rose!”

**Rose:** “Hi everyone! We’re back, and I’m sorry for losing my **[CENSOR BEEP]** before the break. Finn and I now have an understanding about the importance of not cheating on your girlfriend, don’t we dear?”   


> **Torra:** “Camera to Finn.”

**Finn:** “Crystal clear, babe!”   
  
Hannah covers her mouth to conceal her giggle.    
  
**Rose:** “Now it’s time to bring out the daddy’s!”

> **Audience:** _ Wooooooooo! _

**Rose:** “First up, we have Mitaka Dopheld. Since that day, Mitaka has undertaken several years of intensive therapy and is now writing a memoir about his time with the First Order. The book, titled “First Order’s Bitch: My Life Aboard the Supremacy” is set to be released next summer. Let’s give it up for Mitaka!”

> **Audience:** _ Mitaka! Mitaka! Mitaka! _
> 
> **Torra:** “Cue music.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue music.”
> 
> _ Pressure pushing down on me. Pressing down on you, no man ask for _ _. Under pressure… _

Mitaka strolls in nervously and hesitantly. Rey avoids his stare. Hannah stares intently. Leia sips from a martini glass that magically appeared since the last break. He sits to the left of Rose in the first seat.   
  
**Rose:** “Next up, it’s Armitage Hux, or as we call him, Huxy with the red hair. When he’s not busy being a bantha’s **[CENSOR BEEP]** , he is a strategic military consultant who prefers to spend time with his cat Millicent. His latest endeavor is to create a shrine in honour of his great love, Phasma. Armitage Hux, everyone!”   


> **Audience:** _Booooooooooooo! Booooooooooo!_
> 
> **Torra:** “Cue music.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue music.”
> 
> _ You know I love it when the news is bad. Why it feels so good to feel so sad? I'm only happy when it rains. _
> 
> _ Pour your misery down. Pour your misery down on me... _
> 
> **Torra:** “Good one, Neeku!”

**Hux:** “Oh **[CENSOR BEEP]** you, you sniveling rats!”  He grabs a chair and tosses it towards the audience. It bounces onto Kaz.

Rey stands up to glare at him, her fists clenched by her side. Finn grabs her by the arm, holding her back. Kaz angrily stands, ready to intervene. Hannah glares at Hux from her seat. Leia takes another sip of the martini.  
  
 **Rose:** “Okay then. Next up, it’s Poe - can’t - keep - his - **[CENSOR BEEP]** \- in - his - pants - Dameron. You know him as the playboy and hero of the Resistance. In his spare time, he…” (Rose looks at her cards and rolls her eyes) “...likes to indulge in the pursuits of nature with the ladies and men of this galaxy, watch holovid porn with his droid BB-8, and trolls Hux in political chat rooms. He wants the audience to know he’s available and looking to settle down. Poe Dameron, everybody!”

> **Audience:** (Screams wildly. Some girls and guys swoon. The last remaining head of the three-headed alien explodes and faints. Someone throws their bra band on the stage.)  _ Poe! Poe! Poe! _
> 
> **Torra:** “Cue music.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue music.”
> 
> _ It's not really work. It's just the power to charm. I'm still standing in the wind. But I never wave bye-bye. _
> 
> _ But I try, I try. _
> 
> _ Never gonna fall for (modern love).  _ _ Walks beside me (modern love). Walks on by (modern love).... _

**Poe:** “Ladies, gentlemen, there’s plenty of me to go around.”  He proceeds to work the room, grabbing Leia’s hand to kiss it. “General.” Leia slaps him in the cheek. Poe laughs. He reaches down to hug Hannah. “Hannah banana!”  He raises Rey’s hand to a kiss. Rey smiles, her eyes wrinkling in laughter. He grabs Finn into a bro-hug. Rose glares at him, until he reaches down to pull her into a kiss. “Enchanté, Madame Rose!”  Rose blushes. “General Hugs!” he says while flashing Hux the bird, and he shakes Mitaka’s hand.   


Hux surges forward, fists flying, and Kaz jumps to the stage to grab him, getting decked in the chin in the process. Finn holds Poe back.    
  
**Rose:** “And finally, the former bad ass Supreme Leader turned benevolent Senator, Kylo Ren”  (Rose pauses, and listens to her earpiece.) “What’s that, Torra? Are you kidding me?”   
  
A hush comes over the audience. Rey nervously looks around. Hannah’s head perks with interest. Leia tilts the martini glass back to finish the drink, and then motions to the stage hand to fill ’er up.

**Rose:** “Ladies and gentlemen. It appears that Kylo Ren has decided not to participate…”   


> **_Audience:_ ** _ Boooooooo! Hisssss! _

Rose holds her hand up to quiet the audience.    
  
**Rose:** “As I was saying, it appears that Kylo Ren has decided to leave his past behind. Instead, we have a new contender out of left field.” Rose glances at Leia. “And it appears it’s someone quite close to the General. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Organa-Solo!”

> **_Audience:_ ** _ (Freaks out. The three-headed alien, previously resurrected, dies again.)  _
> 
> **[CENSOR BEEP] [CENSOR BEEP] [CENSOR BEEP]**
> 
>  
> 
> **Torra:** “Cue music.”   
>    
>  **Neeku:** “Cue music.”   
>  _   
>  When the tears come streaming down your face. 'Cause you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste. What could it be worse? _
> 
> _Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you._

Rey eyes widen in apparent shock. Hannah smiles widely. Leia grins to herself while sipping on her second Martini. Finn’s and Poe’s mouths drop open, and Finn frantically grabs Rey’s arm. Rose looks confused and is trying to motion to her director to speak to her. Hux curls his lip in snark. Mitaka looks like he’s about to pass out.  __   
__   
Ben strides into the room, wearing what appears to be a leather vest, a tan shirt, and grey pants. He reminds Leia of a young Han. His eyes are focused squarely on Hannah. He stops in front of Leia, leans down, and kisses her cheek. He stops in front of Hannah, really giving her a look, before lifting her up in his arms. He rests his forehead on hers as they intently at each other. The vibrations of the Force feels powerful in the room. He puts Hannah down, and turns towards Rey.   
  
Rey glances up, and a faint sheen of tears enters her eyes, undetectable to the audience and cameras. She covers her mouth with her hand, as if to capture a sob that wishes to escape. He says nothing, but the look he gives could melt an iceberg with the heat and intensity of his gaze.

He strolls to his seat, his gaze never leaving Rey. Rey glances at the invisible lint on her sleeve again, picking away in nervousness.

Mitaka charges from his seat, and Ben deftly dodges a fist. Hux grabs Mitaka and pulls him back as Kaz rushes to the stage.

**Mitaka:** " **[CENSOR BEEP]** you Kylo! **[CENSOR BEEP]** "  


**Hux:** "Calm down, Mitaka. Center yourself. Remember what they said in group therapy!"  


After the calamity, Ben sits down, his head turning to stare intently at Hannah, his eyes taking in every detail. Hannah smiles, and Ben smiles back. Rey notices, and chews her lip, as one does when feeling guilt. 

Rose stumbles upwards in confusion. She whispers something in her ear piece, and nods her head in confirmation. 

> **Torra:** “Rose, you and I both know what is going on here, but we have 30 minutes to fill. We are going to have to proceed as scripted.”   
> 

Rose clears her throat, and plasters her trademark smile on her face. The show, after all, must go on. 

**Rose:** “You heard it on _Trash Talking with Tico_ first! It appears that Ben Organa-Solo, son of General Leia and Han Solo, and Kylo Ren, former Supreme **[CENSOR BEEP]** are the same person!”

> **Audience:** Oooooooohhhhhhh!    
> 

**Rose:** “When we come back, the paternity tests will be revealed. Who is the father of Hannah? Stay tuned!”   
****

> **Torra:** “And cue break. No music Neeku.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “No music. Copy.”

Scene fades. Everyone on the stage is looking confused. Except for Rey and Ben. The last image is Leia sipping from her martini glass while gently stroking Hannah’s hair. Hannah is smiling.    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The support for this fic is amazing! Thank you everyone!
> 
> I don't have a beta, so all my mistakes are my own. And it wouldn't be a fic of mine if I didn't have them scattered throughout despite spending minutes proof-reading.


	3. You are NOT the daddy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We take a stroll down memory lane with some baby holovids before revealing the results of the paternity test. What happened that night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! I'm sorry it took so long to do an update. I'm not the fastest writer in the world, and I make it worse by starting new fics. Add some writer's block and the fact that I'm trying to scale my own fic mountain because y'all write some great stuff!
> 
> Unbeta'd. So my shitty mistakes are my own. LOL.

>    
>  **Torra:** “Okay Rose...now remember...go in for the sweet fluff before we rip their hearts apart.”   
>    
>  **Rose:** “I don’t want to do too much damage to sweet Hannah.”   
>    
>  **Torra:** “Roger. Revised plan. Go in for the sweet fluff and then just stomp on their hearts a little. We’ll start with the holovid feature first.”   
>    
>  **Rose:** “Got it.”   
>    
>  **Torra:** “5...4...3...2...1… cue camera. Cue music.”   
>    
>  **Neeku:** “Cue music.” 
> 
> _Girls, we run this motha, yeah! Girls, we run this motha, yeah! Girls, we run this motha, yeah! Girls we run this motha, girls!_
> 
> _Who run the world? Girls! Who run the world? Girls! Who run the world? Girls!_
> 
> **Torra:** “Hannah’s dancing! Camera on Hannah!” 

Hannah stands and shakes her booty, and Leia gets up and sashays beside her. Rose pumps her fist in the air. Rey is reluctantly dragged to her feet by Finn, and she breaks into a dance, pointing her fingers like a sprinkler, stopping on Ben. Their eyes meet, before she looks away.

**Rose:** “All right! Girl power! We are back! It’s been an action packed first half! We introduced the potential dads, and broke the news that Senator Kylo Ren is, in fact, Ben Solo, son of General Leia Organa-Solo and the late Han Solo. We’ll talk to him about that soon. But the drama is not over! Coming up, we will reveal the results of the paternity test! Do you think you know who it is?”

> **_Audience:_ ** _Yells various names. Ben and Poe are the lead contenders. One person yells Hux ironically, eliciting a glare from him._

**Rose:** “But first, we have a special presentation. Leia has been collecting holovids of Hannah as she grew up, so the dad-bots can get a glimpse of this special little girl.”   
  
Hux rolls his eyes, but sits up a little bit straighter. Mitaka already starts to tear up before the holovid has even started. Poe smiles, and leans back to watch it with his arms behind his head. Ben leans forward, resting his forearms on his thighs as his dark eyes stared intently at the screen, his head slightly tilted as he bit his cheek.

> **Torra:** “Cue video. Cue music for holovids. Dim lights.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue music for holovids.

> _Your little hands wrapped around my finger and it’s so quiet in the world tonight. Your little eyelids flutter cause your dreaming. So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite nightlight. To you, everything’s funny. You got nothing to regret. I’d give all I have honey, if you could stay like that._
> 
> _Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up. Don’t you ever grow up. Just stay this little._ _Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up. It could stay this simple. I won't let nobody hurt you. Won't let no one break your heart. No one will desert you. Just try to never grow up. Never grow up._
> 
> Holovid images of Hannah flash before the screen. 
> 
> Images of Rey holding a crying baby girl in her arms in the medical bay, smiling at the camera and waving little Hannah’s arm. Leia holding the baby swaddled in a white cotton blanket, rocking her gently before Han Solo’s grave. Hannah sitting butt naked in the fresher tub with bubbles around her face, splashing water and laughing. Hannah taking her first steps, an ecstatic Rey and Leia encouraging her on. Finn holding Hannah on his shoulders as they explore Galaxyland. Hannah dressed as a mini-Yoda on Jedi Day, waddling door to door to collect candy. Hannah sucking her thumb, curled into her mom as Rey reads a story. Leia and Hannah both wearing matching sunglasses and matching sun hats, walking through the meadows of Naboo. Hannah in the passenger side chair of the Millenium Falcon, sitting on Chewie’s lap, playing with a pair of gold dice. Hannah practicing calligraphy, her dark eyes staring intently in concentration, her head tilted a bit to her side as she bites her cheek form the inside. 

Mitaka sobs uncontrollably, tissues scattered on the floor like cotton bombs. Hux’s face betrays no emotion, but his Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he tugs at his collar. Poe continues to flash a smile, winking at Hannah. Ben stares in rapture at the camera trying to absorb every little detail as a small tear falls down his scarred right cheek. 

**Rose:** (Clears her throat.) “That was beautiful. You sure are a lucky little girl, Hannah.”

Hannah beams at the compliment.   
  
**Rose:** “Leia, why did you bring the holovids?”   
  
**Leia:** “I wanted B -...her father to see what a special little girl Hannah is...that there are more important things than giving one’s all to an ideology and cause. The galaxy will continue without us, regardless of our contribution. It’s a lesson I learned too late. I don’t want B -...her father to make the same mistake. 

**Rose** : “Rey. I have to ask again before we do the reveal. Is the father of Hannah on this stage?”

The room is silent. Rey looks at the floor. Hannah reaches to put her hand in Rey’s. Rey looks Hannah and her eyes soften, before she sits up, her back straightening in steel resolve. Finn reaches to grab her other hand and gives it a squeeze of support. She turns to look at the men, but the camera fails to notice her eyes narrowing on one person in particular. 

**Rey:** “Yes. The father of Hannah is present.”

> **_Audience:_ ** _Stands up, erupting in commotion._

**Rose:** “And the reason you didn’t tell him at the time?”

**Rey:** “Because he was still holding on to the past. He wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t subject my child to his vision of the future.”

Mitaka looks confused, as if trying to remember what his position on the armistice was that would cause Rey to walk away.

Hux rolls his eyes. He doesn’t really give a shit to be honest. 

Poe continues to offer a confident grin, but he looks equally confused as Mitaka. He was sure Rey and himself are on the same page with regards to the path to the future in the galaxy.

Ben looks at Rey with equal parts regret and longing.

**Rose:** “In my hand is the results of the paternity tests. These tests were carefully guarded to avoid tampering, and have been cross-verified by two independent medical droids. We will start with Mitaka.”

> **Torra:** “Camera, zoom in on his face.”

Mitaka gulps nervously. 

**Rose:** “Dopheld Mitaka...you are…NOT the father!”

Mitaka slumps in the chair, relief evident in his face. 

> **_Audience:_ ** _Cheers._

**Rose:** “You are probably curious as to how you got the shiner. Well, we have exclusive footage provided by Maz Kanata herself. Everyone turn to the holovid.”

> **Torra:** “Cue audio visual tape.”
> 
> A black and white image appears on the screen. Mitaka is at the bar, chatting up with Kaydel Connix. They seem to be hitting it off, both awkwardly flirting with each other as they talk about computer coding. 
> 
> The next image is of Hux stumbling towards them with a drink in his hand, face flush.
> 
> **_Hux:_ ** _“Why you hitting on Phas-maaaa. She’s mine. Get your own girl Diphold.”_
> 
> Hux grabbed Kaydel by the waist, pulling her to the side. 
> 
> **_Kaydel:_ ** _“Get your hands off me you slimy rat!”_
> 
> **_Hux:_ ** _“Why are doing this to me baby -- burp -- I am your bottom!”_
> 
> **_Mitaka:_ ** _“Sss-sir! I will ask that you unhand her this instance!”_
> 
> **_Hux:_ ** _“She’s my top. Get your own top.”_
> 
> **_Mitaka:_ ** _“I am prepared to defend this kind lady’s honor. Unhand her sir! This instance!”_
> 
> **_Hux: [censor beep]_ ** _you! This is my Phasma-wasma, right baby?”_
> 
> Kaydel pushed Hux away. He stumbled onto the ground. Hux got back up and glared at Mitaka.
> 
> **_Hux:_ ** _“You made her turn on me, Dippity-do-hold! Prepare to die!”_
> 
> A fight breaks out, and they pushed each other back and forth across the bar, until they are outside of the fresher area. There is no sound on the audio. Finn and Poe are spotted in the camera view, making out against a wall. They are startled by the sudden commotion. Rey enters the screen with a flushed face, adjusting her hair; she appears to be looking behind her off in the distance. Rey bumps into Mitaka, distracting him. Hux swings and hit his fist into Mitaka’s eye, knocking him out for the count. Rey immediately went to Mitaka’s side on the floor. 
> 
> Ben Solo suddenly appeared from the same direction Rey came from, his own face flush and hair dishevelled. He is seen pulling Hux back. Poe and Finn break off from their embrace. Finn rushed to Mitaka, while Poe helped Ben with Hux.
> 
> Hux is seen bent over, as if he is sick. Ben and Poe drop their arms and Hux runs into the men’s fresher. Rey is seen saying something to Ben and Poe, her face flush with anger, especially at something Ben seemed to say. After a moment, she raised her arm in frustration and ran into the men’s fresher after Hux. 

**Rose:** “Mitaka, we have one more surprise for you. In the audience is Kaydel. Kaydel can you stand up?”

Kaydel stands up from the middle of the audience. Mitaka’s eyes widen.

> **Torra:** “Mic please.” 

**Rose:** “Kaydel, you wanted to say something to Mitaka?”

**Kaydel:** “Hi Mitty. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since that time. If you would be interested, I have two tickets to Coder Con.”

Mitaka doesn’t hesitate, as this is likely the most important moment that has ever happened in his lonely solitary life. He gets up from his chair, rips off his mic, and heads to Kaydel, a shit-eating grin all over his face. He grabbed her hand and practically drags her to the exit as she giggled. 

He paused at the exit to look back at the stage.

**Mitaka:** “Eat s-s-shit ah-ah assholes. Except yo-yo-you H-h-Hannah. You’re amazing.” He drops the mic. 

Everyone on stage is stunned. 

**Rose:** “Well I think it’s time for a break!” 

> **Torra:** “Fade to commercial. Cue music.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue Music.”
> 
> _We found love in a hopeless place. We found love in a hopeless place. We found in a hopeless place. We found love in a hopeless place._
> 
>  

* * *

 

**_Commercial: (Sexy voice) “_ ** _Are you looking for love in Alderaan places? Are you looking for some Hoth action tonight? Just pick up the phone and dial 1-800-Hot-Droid. We have live droid units available 24/7 to whisper sweet binary. Only 10 credits a minute. Hot droids are waiting for you.”_

* * *

 

 

**Rose:** “We are back! Well in case you missed it, we found out that Dopheld Mitaka is not the daddy. And it turns out he found love in a hopeless place. Are you ready for more reveals?”

> **_Audience:_ ** _Cheers wildly._

**Rose:** “Well according to that exclusive footage we showed before the break, it appeared that Rey and Hux went into the fresher together. Did something happen more than consolation? Well this envelope holds the clue.  

> **Torra:** “Camera, zoom in on his face.”
> 
> **_Audience:_ ** _“Boooooo!”_

**Hux:** “Oh shut your mouths, you vermin.”

**Rose:** “General Hugs…I mean Hux...are you ready to hear the results?”

**Hux:** “For the love of Phasma, let’s get this shit-show over with. Yes. Let me know if I’m that Scavenger whore’s baby daddy.”

Ben and Finn and Poe leap from their chairs. Finn and Poe try to swing some punches at him, but Ben gets to him first, lifting him off the ground in a force choke.

> **_Kaz:_ ** _Leaps to the stage to break up the fight._

Rey places her hand on Ben’s arm and looks at him _.  
_

**Rey:** “Ben, don’t go this way. You’ve come so far. Think of what Hannah is witnessing right now.”

Ben looks at Rey for a minute. Their eyes connect with some unspoken message. He releases Hux, who gasps for breath.

**Rose:** “Well that was exciting. But it was all for naught because Hux, you are NOT the father!”

Hux eyes narrow, and then he tilts his head back and laughs maniacally.

****Leia sips from her Martini and rolls her eyes.

**Hux:** “I knew it. There was no way I would have sex and impregnante that Scavenger Rat with my festering seed.”

**Rey:** “Oh bite me.”

**Rose:** “Well that’s not all we have to reveal to you Hux. We have a special reveal. Our camera crew is live on location at the Corellian Rehab Facility. Hux, turn to the screen on your left.” 

> **Torra:** “Cue video.”
> 
> _The video scratches in an out for a few seconds as the satellite signal is picked up. Sitting in front of the camera on a hospital bed is a tall woman with ice blonde hair, and bandages covering part of her face. The other part has some burn marks and scars.  
>  _

**Hux:** “Phasma? Darling? Is that you?” Tears roll gently out of his eyes as he partially stands from his chair.   
****

> **Phasma:** “My darling. I am alive. Again. I need you to come to me. Mommy needs you.”

**Hux:** “Sir, Daddy will be there as soon as I can,” he says as the satellite feed cuts out. He turns to Rey and Hannah. “I’m sorry if I’ve been insufferable. And rude. I’ve just been so miserable and my reason for living is alive. I hope you get a dad who loves you more than I would have, Hannah. And if you ever need a job tearing down your enemies, or want advice on the best cat breeds, hit Uncle Hux up.”

**Hannah:** “I’ll pass. But thank you for coming.”

> **Torra:** “He’s leaving. Cue music.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Cue music.”
> 
> _I'm an asshole. He’s an asshole. What an asshole!  
>  _
> 
> _I’m an asshole. He’s an asshole. Such an asshole!_
> 
> **Torra:** “Good one Neeku. And time for a break, Rose.”
> 
> **Neeku:** “Where is the lie?”

**Rose:** “Coming up after the break. It’s down to the two daddies. And what is the story with Kylo Ren slash Ben Solo? Stay tuned after this important message from your local galaxy affiliate!”

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click on my name at the top of this fic to check out some of my other works! And I love hearing from you so leave a comment!


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